Dessicated Remains Deemed Well-Done Hoax

Abrimov Science students were stunned Friday afternoon when the skeletal remains of what appeared to be a student were found piled on the north elevator’s floor. The elevator was cleared to resume standard service Friday morning and four hours of regular use, engineering major Susan Fong opened the elevator to find the corpse.

According to Fong, “I can’t say I was frightened to see the body. At first, it just looked like some fake halloween skeleton that was left behind. I even got into the car to get a better look, that was when I realized it wasn’t fake.” Fong’s reactionary shriek attracted the attention of nearby students who held the elevator’s doors open while she exited the car and called campus security. Security taped the elevator off for a second time while Pinebox PD was called to collect the remains.

Sheriff Butch Anderson issued a statement later that day stating that while the remains were indeed organic, the identifying information left along with the body—a driver’s license and backpack filled with books—belonged to Sean O’Malley, an ETU freshman. O’Malley is still very much alive though, and has been contacted by Pinebox PD to discuss the matter. Anderson went on to say that while they have yet to properly identify the body, it was clearly a hoax to make it look like O’Malley had met a horrible end in that elevator.

O’Malley could not be reached for comment.

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