Suspected Identity Thief Released During Arraignment

Jerome Johnson

The individual arrested for his alleged involvement in an identity theft scandal that affected several ETU students and faculty was released today during his arraignment. In a closed courtroom, Jerome Johnson gave a brief statement before the judge and other courtroom officials. Shortly thereafter, Johnson was seen walking out of the courtroom without escort and permitted to leave the building.

After the hearing, public defender Louis Rainer spoke to the press outside the courthouse, “We simply had the wrong individual. Jerome Johnson was as much a victim of the recent identity theft scheme as many other Pinebox citizens were.” As it turns out, Jerome Johnson had had his identity infiltrated allowing  the real criminal to plant a substantial amount of evidence leading Pinebox authorities to believe Johnson was responsible for the entire illegal operation. Rainer also noted that Johnson requested that he himself speak to the court in order to prove his innocence.

“Johnson’s presentation of his case was remarkable,” noted Rainer. “For a cryptography expert, Johnson was personable and easy to empathize with. In 14 minutes Judge Lindsay had ruled in Johnson’s favor and released him with the apologies of the court.”

While a transcript of the case was requested, court reporter David Bridges notified the Report that his electronic record was corrupted shortly after Judge Lindsay had made his ruling due to a power surge that ran through the building. Security recordings within the courthouse were also affected by the power surge causing their storage drives to be irreversibly damaged. The attached image is one of the few frames recovered from the damaged drives.

Johnson is believed to have returned to ETU to resume his graduate work. Pinebox authorities have resumed their investigations into the true identities of the thieves.

Identity Theft Ring Broken

Campus police announced the successful arrest of five individuals involved in a sophisticated identity theft ring at ETU. Jerome Johnson, a Computer Science grad student working in cryptography, has been named as the ringleader.

According to campus investigators, Johnson recruited student workers in the Registrar’s office to look up student records and copy personal information. Johnson then used this information, such as hometown and birth date, to guess the passwords of e-mail and social media accounts. Once in control of a student’s internet presence, he or an accomplice would claim an emergency and ask the student’s friends to wire or paypal money.

Investigators claim that Johnson’s ring scammed more than $50,000 in three months.

Final’s Stress

It’s that time of year again. Finals are here.

Most students suffer some stress from final anxiety, but some really have a difficult time adjusting.

“I throw up before every test,” reported Junior Tasha Pemberton, an English major. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, and I suffer dry heaves.”

“This is fairly common,” stated Dr. Lisa Carnes of the Psyche Department. “It is more common with Juniors and Seniors than with Freshmen and Sophomores. I think they just don’t understand how important that Grade Point Average is. It could cost you thousands of dollars in your future career.”

Mark Haynes, a Senior ROTC major, reviewed how he deals with test stress, “I eat lots of Nutter Butters and drink lots of chocolate milk.”

Other students report doing things like exercising, yoga, and one even reported resorting to witchcraft. “Say what you want, but it works,” stated the student, but she refused to give her name.

Dr. Carnes stated that the best thing to do is “get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, and eat healthy.” She also stated that exercise will help reduce the stress as well.

Anyone experiencing stress to the point of breaking needs to see the campus doctor and be referred to a psychologist or other specialist. “We want everyone to deal with this normal stress in a healthy manner,” Dr. Carnes said.

Greek Talent Show Applications Climbing

ETU’s annual sorority and fraternity talent show continues to receive a record-breaking number of applications for the fourth year in a row. The application deadline to participate in next month’s show was last Friday, and the Campus Life office reports 74 entries in this year’s competition. This is up from 65 entries last year.

“I’ve always known that we have an extrememly bright, gifted group of students here at ETU. I’m pleased that so many are demonstrating those talents this year,” said Campus Life Director Carol Keller.

The talent show has been gaining in popularity as the shadow of tragedy from fades from the student body’s collective memory. Today’s seniors were only freshmen when seven students died unexpectedly during the show. Since then, the show’s organizers have worked tirelessly at recovering from the subsequent plumment in participation by implementing strict new rules to insure safety.

Those rules include:

  • No outside food or drink.
  • No performance enhancing drugs
  • No pyrotechnics.
  • No unapproved electronic devices

Dr. Keller adds, “Remember, this is a talent show, not a science fair. Let’s have fun showing off our natural talents and leave your academic achievements in the labratory.”

Gambling Ring Busted in Trailer House

The Golan County Sheriff’s department raided a trailer in the Blackburn community yesterday.  The county confiscated over 15 two-dollar gambling machines, and over $15,000.

“Apparently, this operation had been going on for some time.  They had regular games of Texas Hold ‘Em and some were pretty high stakes,” reported Sheriff Butch Anderson.

Five people have been arrested for organized criminal activities and two others may face indictment.  “This kind of thing brings in organized crime and gang activity.  We don’t want this in our county and I’ll fight them to end.  No gangmember, drug pusher, or organized Mafia types will be safe from justice in Golan County.  I guarantee it.”

Several organized, illegal gambling organizations have been uncovered in the past two years and more are suspected and being investigated.  Last year a chicken fighting operation was uncovered at the O’Conner Chicken Farm, and several deaths have been attributed to the operation, including the O’Conner brothers and several others who apparently were murdered at the site.

“We have to fight them and keep them out of our county.  Too many good people here depend on us, and we won’t let them down.”  Sheriff Anderson explained.

Sheriff Anderson has been nominated for Outstanding Sheriff of Texas  for his efforts to keep Golan County safe.

Cooper Named Geology Department Head

Among other weekly announcements from the President’s Office yesterday, Dr. Hewlitt Cooper was named as the new department head of the Geology Department. Dr. Cooper has been Acting Department Head since late last Fall when Dr. Layne Johnson took a sabbatical.

“Dr. Cooper has led the Geology department ably over the last year and a half. By making his position permanent, we can bring stability to a department that has faced uncertainty for some time.”

Dr. Johnson asked for, and received, permission to take a one year research sabbatical to Mongolia to research findings that he had discovered on satellite. Dr. Johnson’s return is more than six months overdue, and nobody at ETU has heard from him since early last year.

“I have great respect for Dr. Johnson, and he will most certainly have a place here in the Geology Department when or if he decides to return to ETU,” said Dr. Cooper.