Streaking Prank Leaves No One Laughing

Spring Semester
By: Thomas Alvarez

Students were shocked today when a naked freshman burst from the  O’Brian Applied Sciences south elevator yesterday. Sean O’Malley exited the elevator on the second floor and ran clear across the hallway to the men’s bathroom, shrieking and screaming as he did so.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everyone’s stressed out, the kid just wanted to give everyone a laugh. To tell the truth, he didn’t look all too happy doing it either. Maybe Sigma Gamma’s hazing again.” noted junior civil engineering major Jesse Roberts.

Campus authorities detained O’Malley for the better part of the afternoon before he was released to his parents’ care. While details of O’Malley’s case could not be discussed for privacy reasons, the campus police saw fit to bring in the help of the Department of Student Health and Welfare to help manage the situation. Pinebox PD released a statement noting that O’Malley will not be charged.

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Final’s Stress

Fall Semester
By: Steve May

It’s that time of year again. Finals are here.

Most students suffer some stress from final anxiety, but some really have a difficult time adjusting.

“I throw up before every test,” reported Junior Tasha Pemberton, an English major. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, and I suffer dry heaves.”

“This is fairly common,” stated Dr. Lisa Carnes of the Psyche Department. “It is more common with Juniors and Seniors than with Freshmen and Sophomores. I think they just don’t understand how important that Grade Point Average is. It could cost you thousands of dollars in your future career.”

Mark Haynes, a Senior ROTC major, reviewed how he deals with test stress, “I eat lots of Nutter Butters and drink lots of chocolate milk.”

Other students report doing things like exercising, yoga, and one even reported resorting to witchcraft. “Say what you want, but it works,” stated the student, but she refused to give her name.

Dr. Carnes stated that the best thing to do is “get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, and eat healthy.” She also stated that exercise will help reduce the stress as well.

Anyone experiencing stress to the point of breaking needs to see the campus doctor and be referred to a psychologist or other specialist. “We want everyone to deal with this normal stress in a healthy manner,” Dr. Carnes said.

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Engineering Major Missing

Fall Semester
By: Thomas Alvarez

ETU Mechanical Engineering major Susan Fong was reported missing on May 29th had Pinebox PD has yet to uncover any evidence as to her whereabouts. According to friends, Fong was seen as late as the morning of the 29th in and around the Applied Sciences building.

“Since she found the body a couple of weeks ago, Susie’s been hesitant to get onto any of the elevators in the building. And who could blame her?” noted Daniel Vasquez, friend of Fong’s and fellow engineering major. “But the last time I saw her, she was stepping into the North. I’d thought it was still taped off, but I guess I was wrong.”

Sheriff Butch Anderson commented on the situation: “Hard to go a month without an ETU kid going missing; especially this time of year with finals. No need to panic, she’s probably on a road trip with some girlfriends. We’ll find her one way or another.”

Students are requested to share any information as to the whereabouts of Susan Fong with ETU campus authorities or the Pinebox Police department.

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Pinebox Diner to Reopen

Fall Semester
By: Steve May

In the 1960s, the Pinebox Diner was a meeting place for Raven’s students, locals, and was known as having the best fresh pies in all of East Texas. However, in 1974, the Pinebox Diner shut its doors after thirteen years of serving our fair city. The owner, Tim Simmons, disappeared and as there was no owner, the enterprise had to end.

But now, Jimmy Tyler, a class of 65 alum of ETU, has purchased the diner’s remnants and is in the process of rebuilding the Pinebox icon. “It meant so much to me and I want to bring that same spirit back to our town.”

Mr. Tyler is planning a grand reopening on August first of this year. “The diner is going to be retro, like it was in the early 1960s. Authentic booths, a soda bar, and we are going to serve the biggest burgers in Texas, with huge orders of homestyle French fries, malts, and follow it up with homemade cherry and apple pies.”

The entire building has undergone basic reconstruction with a new roof, siding, and windows. “It’s been a dream of mine for many years, and now I am in a place where I can make it a reality,” Mr. Tyler said. “We have even purchased an authentic jukebox, though the music will be a mix of modern as well as the best of the sixties.”

“The place has great ambiance, and it’s like the spirits of the those who went ahead of us are there with us, hoping to make the diner come alive again.

This article was inspired by JD Wiker’s story Last Exit to Pinebox to be published in the Horror Anthology Buried Tales of Pinebox, Texas. It is a ghostly tale with a horrific twist that anyone who has had to travel during the holiday season can identify with.

JD Wiker has been writing since he got his first (toy) typewriter at age 8. After years of struggling along as a stockboy, gas station attendant, disc jockey, computer systems operator, game designer, and IP developer, he returned to his first calling, and is currently working on his first novel. JD lives in Virginia with his wife Keri. This story was inspired in part by their drive across northern Texas when they relocated from southern California.

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Fires Baffle Ninevah Investigators

Fall Semester
By: Steve May

ninevah

photo by: The Ninevah Weekly

The town of Ninevah has experienced several unexplained fires in the past month and  Fire Chief Levins is stumped.  “We just don’t know what’s causing these fires.  They do not appear to be maliciously set, and there is no source that we have been able to identify.”

The fires have “spontaneously” broken out throughout the town in no regular pattern.  The first occurred at Jan’s Deli during lunch service.  “It was in the corner beneath the television set.  One second everything was fine, then boom, flame was everywhere,” Jan Corey, the owner of the Deli stated.  “We thought it was probably an electrical fire, but the investigation could not explain it.”  Ms. Corey also said that the insurance agency was not helping her rebuild as they are wanting a cause of the fire to be determined.

“It’s a real catch 22.  They won’t give me any of the insurance money until the cause of the fire is determined, and the Ninevah Fire Department can’t determine the cause,” she said.

Other fires of similar nature have occurred at Marshall’s Warehouse, Toys 4 Kids, Newberry’s Restaurant, and Big Green.  “Of course there may be an arsonist behind all of these fires, but if we can’t find a cause, it makes the investigation very difficult,” said Chief Levins.

“We keep hoping these fires will end, but it seems another is happening daily.  We’ve been lucky that no one has been seriously hurt so far, but at this rate, it may only be a matter of time.”

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Vandals Stealing Local Scarecrows

Fall Semester
By: Roy Ryder

The crows of Golan County are happy. More than a dozen local farmers have reported the theft of their scarecrows to the Sheriff’s office. The missing mannequins have been from all across the county, from a corn field in Cavalas to a decorative scarecrow taken from a front yard in the Indian Summer trailer park.

Deputy Henry Putter, the officer assigned to the case, believes that local vandals are responsible. “This kind of thing happens now and then,” Putter said of the thefts. “Some kids think it would be cool to rip off the scarecrows or the chicken statue in front of Texas Fried Chicken or something like that. We’ll probably find them all in somebody’s backyard.” Putter advises local farmers with scarecrows to put them away or chain them to a heavy object until the thefts are resolved.

Not everyone is so sure that youthful vandals are responsible for the thefts. One victim, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that he found no footprints around the missing scarecrow other than those of the shoes worn by the scarecrow itself.

Posted in Current Events (news), Junior, Local News | No Comments »

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