Night Lights Discovered to Be Geese

Fall Semester
By: Roy Ryder

Several observant citizens of Golon County witnessed a strange V-shaped formation of blinking lights in the sky last night and reported it to the County Sheriff’s office. However, on investigation, it was determined that the lights were actually the lights of Pinebox reflecting off the underside of flying geese. The “flying saucers” were later found to be nesting at Lake Greystone.

This is not the first time a flock of geese has been mistaken for a UFO in Golon County. During the 1950s, and later in the 1970s, flocks of geese created panic among local residents. Many called local AM radio station KSPK with wild tales of alien landings and abductions.

The Sheriff’s office has advised all residents who see more of the Unidentified Flying Objects to pay listen and hear the bird’s honking before calling in any reports.

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Gambling Ring Busted in Trailer House

Fall Semester
By: Steve May

The Golan County Sheriff’s department raided a trailer in the Blackburn community yesterday.  The county confiscated over 15 two-dollar gambling machines, and over $15,000.

“Apparently, this operation had been going on for some time.  They had regular games of Texas Hold ‘Em and some were pretty high stakes,” reported Sheriff Butch Anderson.

Five people have been arrested for organized criminal activities and two others may face indictment.  “This kind of thing brings in organized crime and gang activity.  We don’t want this in our county and I’ll fight them to end.  No gangmember, drug pusher, or organized Mafia types will be safe from justice in Golan County.  I guarantee it.”

Several organized, illegal gambling organizations have been uncovered in the past two years and more are suspected and being investigated.  Last year a chicken fighting operation was uncovered at the O’Conner Chicken Farm, and several deaths have been attributed to the operation, including the O’Conner brothers and several others who apparently were murdered at the site.

“We have to fight them and keep them out of our county.  Too many good people here depend on us, and we won’t let them down.”  Sheriff Anderson explained.

Sheriff Anderson has been nominated for Outstanding Sheriff of Texas  for his efforts to keep Golan County safe.

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Professor Adds New Dimension to Night Sky

Fall Semester
By: Roy Ryder

Dr. Mortvedt's lasers are powerful but harmless.

Dr. Mortvedt's lasers are powerful but harmless.

While most people are content to enjoy the four dimensions we all enjoy, people like Dr. Nancy Mortvedt want more. Dr. Mortvedt is a visiting professor from the University of Vienna and is currently teaching upper-level classes in the ETU Physics Department. Students may not know her, but most have seen part of her latest experiment in the multiple green laser beams aimed at the sky each night from the Physics building.

“Most people know me as the one who makes the light show each night,” laughs Dr. Mortvedt. “The lasers are pretty, but they have a purpose.”

Dr. Mortvedt is the leading proponent of a radical theory among astrophysicists that postulates that the universe is not consistent, but instead has areas where the standard rules do not apply. These areas, both large and small, are locations where different dimensions are “bulging” into our own. The effect of a “bulge” is theoretically undetectable, but Dr. Mortvedt believes she can identify them.

“The lasers measure the tiny dimensional variances in the atmosphere. Once we gain an understanding of how the space-time fabric is warped in our local area, we can possibly begin to manipulate it to create new and exciting sources of energy. The beams are not just a pretty show for the marijuana smokers in the nearby dorms. This is serious science.”

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Crime on the Rise

Fall Semester
By: Steve May

This past week have seen an unusual spike in the theft and burglary crime rate throughout Golan County.  Mayor Flowers explained, “There have been over fifty cases of theft, burglary, or attempted crimes in the past nine or so days.  This is highly unusual and our police department and sheriff’s department are  putting in extra time and energy to find out why this is occurring.”

When asked if the crimes are linked to gang activity, Mayor Flowers answered, “I don’t think so.  In fact those who have been caught are generally college kids, and we are wondering if this is not some sort of prank.”

Several of the twenty offenders who have been arrested have stated that they do not understand why they did what they did, but that they were to bring the “loot” to someplace in the country and drop it off.  However there were several locations mentioned and the police are still investigating the situation.

Police Detective Derek Mason stated that, “I believe there is some connection between the perpetrators, and that they may not actually be responsible for their crimes.”  Detective Mason would not go into further detail about the investigation at this time.

The Police Department is asking anyone with knowledge of any crimes committed in the past week to contact local Crimestoppers at 936-555-TIPS.

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Renowned Artist to Show Works at ETU

Fall Semester
By: Roy Ryder

The  Martha Patterson Annex will host a showing of the work of Ethan Schrader from July 6th through the 10th in the Keppler Memorial Gallery. Schrader is one of ETU’s most famous alumni, graduating with an MFA in 1979. His conceptual art has appeared in galleries around the world, including the New York Museum of Fine Art and Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum, and he has been acclaimed as one of the top 20 artists in America. His paintings and sculpture focus on macabre themes and have been called “daring and chilling” by Art Now magazine.

“It’s a thrill to come back to ETU and be recognized after thirty years,” Schrader said in an interview. “I fell like I’m returning to where it all began. Pinebox was the inspiration for so much of my work. ETU is a special place where creativity and passion can be let loose and nurtured without fear.”

Not all members of the community are pleased with the showing of Schrader’s work. Owen North of the Pinebox Community Protection League has announced plans to protest the gallery on opening night. “I was at ETU in 1979 and saw his foul creations then and I’m glad to be here to denounce his ungodly works now. The man is a menace to the town and a lousy painter,” said Owen when asked about the protest.

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ETU Professor Charged With Assault, Destruction of Property

Fall Semester
By: Roy Ryder

An ETU professor angry about a mistake on his paycheck attacked several people at ETU’s payroll office on Monday afternoon. Campus police responded to a 911 call from and found Dr. Timothy Dolby in the process of destroying the office. He refused to comply with officer’s instructions and police used use force to subdue him, including several uses of a police taser and pepper spray.

Gladys Rimley was working in the office when Dolby arrived. “He was extremely agitated about what he thought was a mistake of a penny on his paycheck. When I showed him that it wasn’t an error, just a matter of rounding up in his favor, he went berserk. He screamed, used the most vile profanity, and started throwing things and jumping on the desks. I’ve never seen anyone behave like that. It was terrifying.”

Dolby is a professor of biology at ETU and has a reputation for being well-liked by students and faculty. However, in recent days, associates and staff noted that his behavior had become increasingly bizarre. He canceled office visits with students and failed to show up to teach classes. Long-time friend and colleague Grant Slade reports that he tried to talk to him on Friday but Dolby verbally attacked him.

“When I sought him out to see if I could help, he accused me of trying to steal his research about a recently discovered flower that he was researching. It was an insane paranoid ramble about how everyone wanted to take his work and destroy him.”

Dolby has been charged with assault and destruction of property and is being held in the Golon County Hospital, pending examination.

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