photo by: Jake Miller

Students gathered together this morning to take part in burying a time capsule so that future Ravens would be able to see what current Ravens make use of in their daily lives. Amongst the collected items were popular paperbacks, an iPod Nano, an aerial photograph of Pinebox and ETU, an unopened bag of M&Ms and a copy of the morning’s The Raven’s Report.

Jake Miller, Report photographer and participant in the event noted, “We also wrote letters talking about our lives, and asking questions to whomever opened the capsule. Those were added in just before the capsule was sealed up.”

Once sealed, the students dug a hole on the edge of Mather’s field, but were surprised to find an object buried there. When pulled up and opened, the object contained exact replicas of the items that were about to be buried, but they had aged significantly.

“It didn’t make any sense,” Miller noted. “I even checked the note I wrote, and it was in my hand writing. Everything was…older.” The recovered capsule is being evaluated by the campus engineering department; its contents are currently being investigated.

The oldest man in Pinebox Texas died today when he failed to look both ways before crossing the street and got hit by a speeding car as was witnessed by Jane Neren.  “He just started walking into the street.  We yelled for him to stop, but it was too late.”

Talking to neighbors and family it seemed that Joseph Johnson, 102 years old, had many childhood clichés haunt him before his death on 13^th street.

He tied a string around his finger so he would not forget something, but the string was too tight and cut off the circulation and his finger fell off. He couldn’t remember what it was he was supposed to do.

Mr. Johnson was trying to impress his grandchildren when crossing his eyes and they actually stayed that way as well as the funny face he was making at the same time.

Funeral services are next Saturday at 1:00 pm at the Barington Funeral Home.

photo by: Scott Mason

On Sunday May 3rd at 1:12 PM, all clocks around ETU simultaneously stopped. While all classroom and lecture hall clocks are set to keep time with the campus’ central security system, students have reported that alarm clocks, computer clocks and in some cases even wristwatches had stopped for nearly seven minutes before resuming their proper pace.

Additionally, power to the Applied Sciences building was also lost at approximately 1:12 causing the building’s automatic doors to hold shut. While there were no classes being held on Sunday,  twenty-six students and faculty members were inside the building when it shut down, three of whom were trapped inside one of the elevators. “You don’t think the worst part about being in an elevator will be how long it seems to take to get out,” notes student Jessica Fuller who was trapped within an elevator car. “I mean, we couldn’t have been in there for more than a few minutes, but it seemed like hours passed before power kicked back on.”

The Pinebox Department of Power and Water performed a routine investigation of the building’s power systems and there seemed to be no permanent damage or evidence of tampering. The actual cause of the power failure is presently unknown.

As director of WUFOO (pronounced woo-foo) for sixteen years, Dr. Von Brunt has extensive experience with so-called unidentified flying objects. WUFOO and other organizations like it have collected thousands of first-hand accounts from all around the world.

“The truth is that there are a lot of people who believe in UFOs,” Dr. Von Brunt said during the introduction of his presentation. “There are also a lot of people who have had witnessed a UFO or had an even closer encounter with one. In fact, Pinebox is considered a UFO hot spot.”

While speaking of Pinebox and ETU, Dr. Von Brunt used the opportunity to announce that WUFOO would hold its next annual conference at ETU in July of 2010. The conference is open to the public and Von Brunt encouraged those students still at ETU to attend.

One of Dr. Von Brunt’s goals is to make the study of UFOs more respectable. “I know how we are perceived. You know, we’re the crazy guys who keep saying there are little green men out there. But the study of UFOs is serious and what people have had done to them by aliens is no joke. There’s nothing funny about anal probes.”

photo by: Parker Collins

Recently the world was amazed by reports out of England regarding dogs that glow in the dark. But a report issued by the East Texas University (ETU) Physics Department claims they are less than impressed. Why is this? ETU claims to have dog that can teleport over short distances.

Physics graduate student Parker Collins claims to have witnessed this phenomenon with a golden retriever, named Blinkie. Collins states when Blinkie gets overly stimulated instead of running to an object or person of interest, she simply pops from one place to the other. Mister Collins elaborated that pop is the best turn to describe this, as there is an audible popping noise when Blinkie makes this quick moves.

No one in the ETU Physics Department has been able to determine why Blinkie is able to teleport. No video images of Blinkie popping have been made available either as of this date. When asked to see Blinkie’s papers, these were not available. Parker Collins states that Blinkie wandered onto campus one day. She teleported on that occasion when a student rattled a box of dog biscuits. From that point on the dog became the mascot of the Physics Departments.