Suspected Identity Thief Released During Arraignment

Jerome Johnson

The individual arrested for his alleged involvement in an identity theft scandal that affected several ETU students and faculty was released today during his arraignment. In a closed courtroom, Jerome Johnson gave a brief statement before the judge and other courtroom officials. Shortly thereafter, Johnson was seen walking out of the courtroom without escort and permitted to leave the building.

After the hearing, public defender Louis Rainer spoke to the press outside the courthouse, “We simply had the wrong individual. Jerome Johnson was as much a victim of the recent identity theft scheme as many other Pinebox citizens were.” As it turns out, Jerome Johnson had had his identity infiltrated allowing  the real criminal to plant a substantial amount of evidence leading Pinebox authorities to believe Johnson was responsible for the entire illegal operation. Rainer also noted that Johnson requested that he himself speak to the court in order to prove his innocence.

“Johnson’s presentation of his case was remarkable,” noted Rainer. “For a cryptography expert, Johnson was personable and easy to empathize with. In 14 minutes Judge Lindsay had ruled in Johnson’s favor and released him with the apologies of the court.”

While a transcript of the case was requested, court reporter David Bridges notified the Report that his electronic record was corrupted shortly after Judge Lindsay had made his ruling due to a power surge that ran through the building. Security recordings within the courthouse were also affected by the power surge causing their storage drives to be irreversibly damaged. The attached image is one of the few frames recovered from the damaged drives.

Johnson is believed to have returned to ETU to resume his graduate work. Pinebox authorities have resumed their investigations into the true identities of the thieves.

Annual Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled

Photo by: Thomas Alvarez

ETU’s annual Easter egg hunt run by Delta Chi Rho was canceled this when the body of the previous year’s winner, Maria Esperando, was found dead on the Athletic Complex’ west field.

Esperando had been reported missing two weeks prior to the event by her housemate Charlene Deveaux. “Maria just didn’t come home from the library that night. ‘It was a nice night,’ she’d said. Didn’t even take her car; just walked onto campus,” said Charlene when I spoke with her earlier this morning.

When asked if Maria had exhibited any odd behavior in the days leading up to her disappearance Charlene brought me to Maria’s bedroom where Maria had scratched the image of a black egg surrounded by the number 13 in black and red ink. “She’d been saying she’d been having trouble sleeping for the last few nights. After she didn’t come home I came into her room to look for her mom’s phone number and saw this. I called the police.”

Pinebox authorities are currently investigating Maria’s death and have yet to determine its cause. If anyone has any information regarding Maria Esperando’s death, please contact campus PD or the Pinebox police department as soon as possible.

Streaking Prank Leaves No One Laughing

Students were shocked today when a naked freshman burst from the  O’Brian Applied Sciences south elevator yesterday. Sean O’Malley exited the elevator on the second floor and ran clear across the hallway to the men’s bathroom, shrieking and screaming as he did so.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everyone’s stressed out, the kid just wanted to give everyone a laugh. To tell the truth, he didn’t look all too happy doing it either. Maybe Sigma Gamma’s hazing again.” noted junior civil engineering major Jesse Roberts.

Campus authorities detained O’Malley for the better part of the afternoon before he was released to his parents’ care. While details of O’Malley’s case could not be discussed for privacy reasons, the campus police saw fit to bring in the help of the Department of Student Health and Welfare to help manage the situation. Pinebox PD released a statement noting that O’Malley will not be charged.

Identity Theft Ring Broken

Campus police announced the successful arrest of five individuals involved in a sophisticated identity theft ring at ETU. Jerome Johnson, a Computer Science grad student working in cryptography, has been named as the ringleader.

According to campus investigators, Johnson recruited student workers in the Registrar’s office to look up student records and copy personal information. Johnson then used this information, such as hometown and birth date, to guess the passwords of e-mail and social media accounts. Once in control of a student’s internet presence, he or an accomplice would claim an emergency and ask the student’s friends to wire or paypal money.

Investigators claim that Johnson’s ring scammed more than $50,000 in three months.

Final’s Stress

It’s that time of year again. Finals are here.

Most students suffer some stress from final anxiety, but some really have a difficult time adjusting.

“I throw up before every test,” reported Junior Tasha Pemberton, an English major. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, and I suffer dry heaves.”

“This is fairly common,” stated Dr. Lisa Carnes of the Psyche Department. “It is more common with Juniors and Seniors than with Freshmen and Sophomores. I think they just don’t understand how important that Grade Point Average is. It could cost you thousands of dollars in your future career.”

Mark Haynes, a Senior ROTC major, reviewed how he deals with test stress, “I eat lots of Nutter Butters and drink lots of chocolate milk.”

Other students report doing things like exercising, yoga, and one even reported resorting to witchcraft. “Say what you want, but it works,” stated the student, but she refused to give her name.

Dr. Carnes stated that the best thing to do is “get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, and eat healthy.” She also stated that exercise will help reduce the stress as well.

Anyone experiencing stress to the point of breaking needs to see the campus doctor and be referred to a psychologist or other specialist. “We want everyone to deal with this normal stress in a healthy manner,” Dr. Carnes said.

Engineering Major Missing

ETU Mechanical Engineering major Susan Fong was reported missing on May 29th had Pinebox PD has yet to uncover any evidence as to her whereabouts. According to friends, Fong was seen as late as the morning of the 29th in and around the Applied Sciences building.

“Since she found the body a couple of weeks ago, Susie’s been hesitant to get onto any of the elevators in the building. And who could blame her?” noted Daniel Vasquez, friend of Fong’s and fellow engineering major. “But the last time I saw her, she was stepping into the North. I’d thought it was still taped off, but I guess I was wrong.”

Sheriff Butch Anderson commented on the situation: “Hard to go a month without an ETU kid going missing; especially this time of year with finals. No need to panic, she’s probably on a road trip with some girlfriends. We’ll find her one way or another.”

Students are requested to share any information as to the whereabouts of Susan Fong with ETU campus authorities or the Pinebox Police department.