Night Lights Discovered to Be Geese

Several observant citizens of Golon County witnessed a strange V-shaped formation of blinking lights in the sky last night and reported it to the County Sheriff’s office. However, on investigation, it was determined that the lights were actually the lights of Pinebox reflecting off the underside of flying geese. The “flying saucers” were later found to be nesting at Lake Greystone.

This is not the first time a flock of geese has been mistaken for a UFO in Golon County. During the 1950s, and later in the 1970s, flocks of geese created panic among local residents. Many called local AM radio station KSPK with wild tales of alien landings and abductions.

The Sheriff’s office has advised all residents who see more of the Unidentified Flying Objects to pay listen and hear the bird’s honking before calling in any reports.

Greek Talent Show Applications Climbing

ETU’s annual sorority and fraternity talent show continues to receive a record-breaking number of applications for the fourth year in a row. The application deadline to participate in next month’s show was last Friday, and the Campus Life office reports 74 entries in this year’s competition. This is up from 65 entries last year.

“I’ve always known that we have an extrememly bright, gifted group of students here at ETU. I’m pleased that so many are demonstrating those talents this year,” said Campus Life Director Carol Keller.

The talent show has been gaining in popularity as the shadow of tragedy from fades from the student body’s collective memory. Today’s seniors were only freshmen when seven students died unexpectedly during the show. Since then, the show’s organizers have worked tirelessly at recovering from the subsequent plumment in participation by implementing strict new rules to insure safety.

Those rules include:

  • No outside food or drink.
  • No performance enhancing drugs
  • No pyrotechnics.
  • No unapproved electronic devices

Dr. Keller adds, “Remember, this is a talent show, not a science fair. Let’s have fun showing off our natural talents and leave your academic achievements in the labratory.”

Memorial Disrupted

A prankster disrupted Wednesday’s candle-light vigil for Roy Stillwater, the ETU sophomore who died a year ago after re-entering a burning apartment to rescue a roommate overcome by smoke. Last night’s memorial drew a crowd of more than 50 students outside the Student Union, and Stillwater’s parents were on hand to help light the candles of those in attendance.

The moment of silence and respect was broken when Stillwater’s former girlfriend noticed the prankster. Someone who bore a slight resemblance to Stillwater crashed the memorial dressed in singed clothes and with soot on his face.

“It was terrible. I can’t believe someone would show such bad taste,” said Kerry Wiley, who dated Stillwater. “I had my eyes closed and I was thinking about Roy when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I thought it was my friend Ramona, but when I turned my head and saw him I just freaked out. It looked so much like him.”

Wiley’s scream broke the silence and immediately drew the crowd’s attention. Stillwater’s parents also spotted the imposter, but the prankster somehow managed to slip away in the darkness and chaos before he could be apprehended.

“What a sick thing to do,” said Maria Alverez, Biology freshman. “I mean, it’s bad enough that someone would crash a memorial like that. But it was dark and all we had were those candles. It was almost as bad as shouting “fire” in a crowded theater. When I heard that scream the first thing that came to mind was ’The Needler got someone!’ I doubt I’ll come to another one of these.”

Campus police were on site for the memorial and say that no student was in danger at any time. Students are encouraged to take advantage of the ETU Angels Service club, which offers escorts on campus after dark.

Gambling Ring Busted in Trailer House

The Golan County Sheriff’s department raided a trailer in the Blackburn community yesterday.  The county confiscated over 15 two-dollar gambling machines, and over $15,000.

“Apparently, this operation had been going on for some time.  They had regular games of Texas Hold ‘Em and some were pretty high stakes,” reported Sheriff Butch Anderson.

Five people have been arrested for organized criminal activities and two others may face indictment.  “This kind of thing brings in organized crime and gang activity.  We don’t want this in our county and I’ll fight them to end.  No gangmember, drug pusher, or organized Mafia types will be safe from justice in Golan County.  I guarantee it.”

Several organized, illegal gambling organizations have been uncovered in the past two years and more are suspected and being investigated.  Last year a chicken fighting operation was uncovered at the O’Conner Chicken Farm, and several deaths have been attributed to the operation, including the O’Conner brothers and several others who apparently were murdered at the site.

“We have to fight them and keep them out of our county.  Too many good people here depend on us, and we won’t let them down.”  Sheriff Anderson explained.

Sheriff Anderson has been nominated for Outstanding Sheriff of Texas  for his efforts to keep Golan County safe.

Professor Adds New Dimension to Night Sky

Dr. Mortvedt's lasers are powerful but harmless.

Dr. Mortvedt's lasers are powerful but harmless.

While most people are content to enjoy the four dimensions we all enjoy, people like Dr. Nancy Mortvedt want more. Dr. Mortvedt is a visiting professor from the University of Vienna and is currently teaching upper-level classes in the ETU Physics Department. Students may not know her, but most have seen part of her latest experiment in the multiple green laser beams aimed at the sky each night from the Physics building.

“Most people know me as the one who makes the light show each night,” laughs Dr. Mortvedt. “The lasers are pretty, but they have a purpose.”

Dr. Mortvedt is the leading proponent of a radical theory among astrophysicists that postulates that the universe is not consistent, but instead has areas where the standard rules do not apply. These areas, both large and small, are locations where different dimensions are “bulging” into our own. The effect of a “bulge” is theoretically undetectable, but Dr. Mortvedt believes she can identify them.

“The lasers measure the tiny dimensional variances in the atmosphere. Once we gain an understanding of how the space-time fabric is warped in our local area, we can possibly begin to manipulate it to create new and exciting sources of energy. The beams are not just a pretty show for the marijuana smokers in the nearby dorms. This is serious science.”

Crime on the Rise

This past week have seen an unusual spike in the theft and burglary crime rate throughout Golan County.  Mayor Flowers explained, “There have been over fifty cases of theft, burglary, or attempted crimes in the past nine or so days.  This is highly unusual and our police department and sheriff’s department are  putting in extra time and energy to find out why this is occurring.”

When asked if the crimes are linked to gang activity, Mayor Flowers answered, “I don’t think so.  In fact those who have been caught are generally college kids, and we are wondering if this is not some sort of prank.”

Several of the twenty offenders who have been arrested have stated that they do not understand why they did what they did, but that they were to bring the “loot” to someplace in the country and drop it off.  However there were several locations mentioned and the police are still investigating the situation.

Police Detective Derek Mason stated that, “I believe there is some connection between the perpetrators, and that they may not actually be responsible for their crimes.”  Detective Mason would not go into further detail about the investigation at this time.

The Police Department is asking anyone with knowledge of any crimes committed in the past week to contact local Crimestoppers at 936-555-TIPS.